Adjusting

I have only been gone 11 weeks but it feels sooo much longer than that!  I feel like I lived in another world and yet coming back home feels- at the same time- like I have never left.  I still hold on to every memory of the summer tight like I can't let it go; I don't want to ever forget the friends, the kids, and the experiences I had in New Mexico.
I am struggling with sleeping.  The room feels so hot and the walls cave in around me and I miss my canvas tent.  I miss the wind whipping against the flaps and the cool, desert night air seeping through my zipped open window- and the sounds of the night: wind, bugs, coyotes and the often present sound of thunder rolling across the flat desert and crashing into the surrounding mountains and mesas.
I miss seeing my best friends every day.  I miss their laugh, their smiles and their wit and banter.  I miss the kids: singing songs, playing games and hiking.  I even miss the uniform, the same red polo that the other 1200 staff memebers were wearing.  I miss feeling stress free and happy.  No school or work or money problems because I put all my focus and energy into living in the moment, being an awesome group leader and having a great summer with my new best friends. 

I am super excited for school.  I student teach in the spring and things are starting to feel like they are clicking into place.  I am ready to head back to CHASP and even teach piano again.  But I feel slightly lost and the readjusting is tougher than I thought. 

Phimont Here's to Thee..

Silver on the sage

Starlit skies above

Aspen covered hills

Country that I love.. 

Philmont here's to thee

Scouting Paradise

Out in God's country... 

Tonight. 


I don't ever know where to begin.  I spent my summer 600 miles away- living in the desert and in a canvas tent.  I was part of a team of over 1200 people all wearing identical red polo shirts, coming from every state and hundreds from across the world.  I worked at Philmont Scout Ranch in Cimarron New Mexico.  I drove down there not knowing a single soul, not knowing what to expect.  I figured that because I had worked at scout camp for seven years, spent three years working at an Afterschool program and majoring in Elementary Education that being a Philmont Training Center (PTC from here on out) would be easy.  I had a lot to learn.  However, I didn't just learn about how to work with kids, I learned more about my self than I ever imagined possible. 

Philmont is massive.  It is bigger than most people think it is, nearly 150 thousand acres of land donated by mr. Waite Phillips in 1938 and originally named "Philturn Rocky Mountain Scout Camp".  Over the years the Ranch grew and so did it's reputation.  Philmont is a place where scouts, venturing crews and individuals can come to experience a number of different kinds of backpacking treks from a short 5 night adventure to a 21 day physical and mental challenge called "Rayado".  Last summer me and my cousin Debbie had the opportunity to complete a 'Mountain Trek' and I couldn't stay away from the beauty of Philmont. 

This summer I was a Group Leader at the PTC.  Participants come in from all over the country to take part in different classes and conferences that go on all summer long.  They bring their families with them and my job comes into play.  Each week I am assigned to a different age group.  We work together in groups of about 2 or 3 GLs to take a group of kids.  We hike, we do Handicraft, pony/horse rides, archery and pellet guns, tour through the Villa Philmonte and even go on overnighters with the older kids, and play games and sing songs all week long.  Best. Job.  Ever.    I loved every group that I got and I worked pretty well with the other GLs- we all became best friends, the 24 of us. 

The hardest part of being a Group Leader was learning to work with others and accept their styes of teaching and leadership.  It was easy to butt heads sometimes but it taught me to accept differences in others and to communicate and collaborate.  I loved the kids.  Each week was so very different and it was cool to meet kids from all over the place- I even worked with a litte boy from England!  I can't wait to be a teacher!

Working with the kids was fantastic but that isn't where I learned who I was.  Being in New Mexico- so far away from home and far away from the bubble of Utah- I was able to really understand my testimony of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.  1200 staff member, 60 of us were Mormon and even less that that number made it to our church group every Sunday Morning.  At PTC my best friends became the other LDS people.  Lisa, Jess, Lesly, Stephers, Chun Man, Ryan and Amanda.  We had a chapel and a Chaplain.  His name was Elder Wilson and he and his wife became my temporary parents for the summer.  Each Sunday morning we met for two hours and had Sunday School, Relief Society and we partook of the Sacrament.  It was an incredible experience.  Our numbers were few- perhaps only ten to twenty of us that could attend church each week.  You see at Phimont, Sunday is just another day of the week.  Luckily- I got it off most of the time.  We were also able to attend Family Home Evening each Monday evening (when my schedule allowed it) and and Institute class on Leadership. 

At Philmont- it can be very hard to stand up for who you are.  I had never realized how common it is to use the Fword in daily vocabulary, how popular it is to go out drinking on the weekends and how commonplace it is to get a tatoo of the Phimont arrowhead or the Zhia- the the New Mexican sun. Right off the bat, people will learn that you are one of those 'Darn der Marmans', the 'Mo Mos', or the 'Mormon kids'.  People ask questions and you have to be ready.  I wasn't expecting Philmont to be a mission, but it was just that.  Every day I was an example by what I said and how I acted.  People starred as I blessed my food at each meal and laughed as I used my Mormon euphemisms such as 'heck', 'darn' and 'shoot'.  My staunch Catholic roommate became my best friend and she was amazed by my nightly routine of journal, scripture study and prayer before I snuggled into bed. 

I gave away a few copies of the Book of Mormon and taken part in countess religious discussions- sharing my knowledge of the truthfulness of the restored gospel of Jesus Christ.  I never realized before that I had taken my religion for granted, that until this summer I had never been truly challenged in my beliefs.  But as I see thousands of other people who don't have the knowledge that I know- I hold tight to what I know because it brings me such incredible happiness.  I have listened to what others have to say about their own religion and all I can say is that what I know makes sense!  It is like some amazing, beautiful puzzle without a single piece missing from it!  It is all here and we only need to turn to the Lord to find true happiness! 

I had that opportunity to perform Baptisms for the Dead at the Denver Temple with my LDS groupies and best friends.  I remember sitting there in white, waiting for my turn.  Me and my best friend Stephers flipping through the Temple issue of the Ensign- and how together we broke down crying, feeling the Spirit so strongly and talking to each other about how we had never fully comprehended how important it all is. 

I was able to be a missionary to a 13 year old boy and send him home with a Book of Mormon, explain to the Gospel to my roommates sister, explain my CTR necklace to hundreds, teach someone how to pray, attend a Catholic mass and realize how important Priesthood authority is.  I can't even explain everything that I learned about my self and my testimony from Philmont.  But I am stronger, and happier and more understanding of the Gospel than I ever have been in my entire life.  The Church is sooo true!! 


Back to Philmont.. what did I do this summer?/

Hiked the 'Tooth of Time'
Hiked 'Baldy Mountain' 12441 feet tall.  Hardest thing I've ever done.
Explored the city of Santa Fe.
Slid down the Great Sand Dunes.
Played in Toas, New Mexico.
Ate at Wonderful House Chinese restaurant many, many times. 
Make best friends to last a lifetime.
Learned to country dance.  I can two step! 
Finay saw 'Follow me boys'.
Bushwacked up the side of a mountain.
Played with ponies, goats, chickens and cows. \
Swam in beautiful lake.
Got a tan.
Learned to flyfish.
Went horseback riding.
Slept in a tent all summer.
Backpacked.
Visited 9 staff camps.
Learned awesome new games and songs.
And Sooo much more!

Yeah, Philmont sort of changed my life ;)

Wind in whispering pines, 

Eagles soaring high, 

Purple mountains rise, 

Against as azure sky.

Phimont here's to thee,

Scouting Paradise..

Out in God's Country..

Tonight. 

Excited for things to come!

While I should be cleaning my room, or doing my astronomy homework or washing my clothes- I am blogging.

I've been pretty depressed lately, but like I said before I need to keep myself excited by the little things in life.  Lately I am getting really excited for everything that is coming my way.  I have some adventures coming and I can't wait experience them!

-Trip to Rexburg on Saturday to see Dani and Ariel
-Emily's wedding
-Spring!
-Afterschool Conference in Orlando Florida- all expenses paid trip to Florida!! 
-Ward campout down in Moab in May!
-Family trip to Bear Lake (hopefully)
-My summer down in Philmont working in New Mexico!
-hopefully a drive to Cor d'lane to see my cousin and her baby
-seeing friends get engaged and married and have babies
-making new friends

I have alot to be grateful for, I just need to remember!

Medication- and things about me I need to change

I haven't been thinking good lately and my mom wants me to go back on the 'happy pills'.  I'm thinking and saying really negative and harmful things.  I don't want to be a druggie but when I am taking them I just feel so much 'better'.  I ran out after camp and I was doing so well.  I had a friend, I had great classes with people I enjoyed, it was warm and I was excited about life.  Things change so quickly.  You suddenly find yourself losing so many of things that made you once happy and you just can't get back up.  I have sruggled my entire life with the idea of being happy.  I am good for a few months and then I sink.. take a while to float back up and then I sink again.  I also have good days and bad days.  Today is a Bad Day. 
I'm sick of being angry at people and holding onto grudges.
I'm sick of being jealous.
 I hate not being able to say goodbye to people.
 I hate feeling happy about being better than someone. 
I wish I didn't distance myself from people because I'm afraid of rejection. 
I wish I didn't use kids as a crutch to avoid adult relationships.
I wonder why one of the reasons I go to camp is to get away from the pain of the real world. 
I hate being depressed!! 

I have so much to be happy about- so much in my life that is good.  However, lonelyness is cripling.  Especially when everyone around me appears to be happy- key word- appears. 
So- how do I cope?

Make myself talk to people.  Talk to strangers- try to sit with new people.  Ask questions and learn from others.
Smile at everyone- even if they don't smile back.
Tell people how I feel instead of bottling it up and exploding like I am tonight. 
Set daily and weekly goals.
Plan activities and trips.  Look forward to things. 
Pretend to be happy when I'm not. 
Be interested in what other people have to say and be happy for them. 
Talk to people in my ward- epspecially guys.
Get people to set me up on dates. 
Try to stop thinking about the one guy that is always on my mind. 
Pray. 
Pray.
Pray.
Read my scriptures, go to church, Institute, FHE and R.S activities. 
Stay organized- do my homework on time and study hard. 
Don't assume that people don't want to me around me. 

These are things that I work on daily- I strive to do all of the time and why I haven't checked into a mental hospital or committed suicide.  Some I don't do and need to work on.  Even though I do everything in my power to get over myself it doesn't always work. 

Most people don't get depression- I can do anything to help myself but sometimes medication is needed.  So I don't feel like a druggie, because I like it!  I like the way it makes me feel, I like the way I don't worry so much and feel happier.   So I'm going back to the doctor next week- get back on an 'up' cycle.  And see how long it lasts.  :) :) :) :)  

What defines you?

A few years back at camp a previous staffer who was currently on a mission wrote to a girl on staff.  In his letter he asked "What defines you?".  We all laughed and joked and thought "What a wierd thing to ask?"  However, years later I am asking myself that exact question. 
What defines you?  I thought for a long time that what defined you was what you did.  The jobs you got, the sports you played, the classes you took and the friends you had.  I am realizing that things are always changing.  New jobs and opprotunities come, friends move away, we gain new interests, hobbies and experiences.

It is not what you do that defines who you are- but it is the type of person you are that influences those things around you.  I am not just (or was) a swimmer, an artist, a high scoring student.. or a an area director of a very special camp.  I am a teacher is so many ways, I am creative, I am passionate, I am a friend.  I'm a decent person.  These things are constants.  They are what will allow me to succeed in whatever life I choose. 

I'm going to Philmont this summer.  As much as I am excited to go- I am freaking out!  But... new adventures!

Not a Taylor Swift sort of romance!

I think that deep down, every girl wants the typical fairy tale romance where you grow up and marry your childhood best friend/boy next door/high school school sweetheart/first kiss/long time crush ... boy.  We want this because it is something shown with so many romantic comedies and Taylor Swift songs.  We grow up hoping and wishing that our lives will turn out exactly how we want them too.  We may not even be in love with.. or even like this person any more, they they seem to be our options, our fate, our destiny.  We start to grow up and see them move on and we realize that sometimes..  life throws curves at you.  Maybe I was wrong.  Perhaps a whirlwind romance and fast engagement is the way to go.  We may not have known that person for our entire lives but we will have the blessing to know them for the rest of our lives and beyond.  I don't know what- or should I say who's coming and I don't know how long I'll have to wait.  But I know I'll have that happiness that I see my friends and loved ones have.  And it probably won't be with who I want it to be with- or who I think it should be.  I guess I won't know until it happens. 
I can't wait. 

2010- Best. Year. Ever. My year in pictures.

2010 was so incredible.  I really just feel very happy with everything that has been happening in my life.  I am highlighting, chronilogcially the best parts of my year. 

January:  California Trip!  We flew to Cali with my family.  Carly cam and so did my mom's good friend Suzanne.  It was a lot of fun.  I have not been to CA since I was little and it was fun to be a little kid again. 

We flew, and read books at the airports.  We went to the beach!  We went to California Adventure and Disney Land.  We went to this incredible little diner that was 50's themed!

March.  Les Mis!  Bonneville put on Les Mis and it was the most incredible play I have ever seen!  Mark and Matthew were it it.  I saw it at least six times. 



April:  Emily, Rachel, Mark, Matthew and I went on a road trip up to Washington to visit our cousins in Spokanne.  We don't see them very often.  It was a fourteen hour car ride, so but much fun!  We passed through four states.  We stayed over Easter and decorated eggs, had an Easter Egg hunt and a big BQ.  It was also General Conference.  We watched most of the sessions off my uncles computer crowed in his home office.  Our cousin Sarah contacted us after many, many years.  She came to dinner and it was an incredible reunion!  She is happily married and just had a baby!

 May brought some incredible memores from CHASP (Club Heights After School Program) where I work.  We had a huge 'World Cup' soccer game, we had a fun end of year program, we took a field trip to the Clearfield Aquatic center where I beat Jared Tesch at swimming!  I love CHASP.  It is the best job in the world!



May:  My aunt Anne (Sarah's mom) got married.  It was a pretty funny wedding with some crazy circumstances but it was an incredible day to have everyone together. Sarah, and her siblings Jon and Heather (and all of Heather's sweet little girls!) all came.  My aunt and uncle flew down from Washington and it was the first time my mom and all of her siblings had been together is a really long time.

My family drove down to St. George.  It was the first time I had ever been there. It was so warm and beautiful.  We stayed in our of our convenient World Mark condos.  We went to Zions, did lots of shopping and playing and lived in the pool.  We went to the lame kiddy arcade/mini golf/go carts place and had the time of our lifes gambling away all of our change to the video games.  We ran into the Stauffers on their way home from Las Vegas to visit family.  We had a spontaneous Denny's breakfast.   

That May the Singles Ward I had been going to was disoved to make way for the Historic new YSA stakes and wards in Ogden.  I loved my ward but I love my new ward even more!  This was my old ward having a big last FHE before we all split.

June.  I head off for my final, seventh summer at Camp Bartlett.  I can't say every increible thing that happened or show all the photos.  Read my previous blog posts.  It was an incredible summer.  I will miss it so much!!!

July!  Me and Debbie were lucky enough to go backpacking through Philmont!  My uncle was participating in the big Priesthood Leadship Conference with President Beck.  Me and Debbie got to travel through the rugged mountains of New Mexico for five days.  We flew to Denver, drove to New Mexico.  Debbie was fresh out of China and I hadn't seen her for months!  I had missed her SO much and it was a great way to spend some together.  It was one of the great experiences of my life.  I hope to work there this summer.. if they ever hire me!

When I got home from Camp in the Fall it was time for school, work and life.  I had my birthday-bought a car! I have no pictures of my birthday.. but Rachel's was a blast.  I love my sister!!!!

Me, Emily, Layne, Rachel, Alex, Matthew and Mark ascended Mt. Ben Lomand on Labor day.. a new tradition of mine I've done for the past three years.  It is a hard hike- but totally worth the awesome view!

September brought home Jeff Munk!  One of my best friends fresh out of Australia!! Since he's been back we've had lots of fun together.

October!  Lots happend in October!  My family spent UEA in Bear Lake.  We had fun, my favorite city- Garden City is a ghost town.  Labeau's shakes, nice walks, hanging out with the family and wading at the beach.  We attempted to swim and all got mild hypothermia and spent an hour in the hot tub. 

October brought Halloween fun.  Frightmares and Halloween at Wolf Creek!  Jeff, Jared, Layne and Alex and Debbie and visited us there.  It was a blast!



November!  My boys ( term meaning once on my Handicraft staff) Zach and Chad Sakurada got their Eagles!!  I was so proud of both of them.  Zach gave me his mentoring pin.  One of the proudest moments of my life. 

Thanksgiving was great.   My grandma taught me how to make her famous Eggnog pie!

 Emily got engaged!!   Layne Morris is a great guy!



December brought the end of the most hellish semester of my life and time for some fun!  Christmas lights, movies, books, going out to eat, spending lots of time with my family.  Debbie got her Venturing award.  I'm so proud of her!!!  I wish I was that amazing. :D  It was a great night to spend with some old friends and celebrate our favorite Debbie!

My Grandma finally went through the Temple.  It was an amazing day.  I love her so much and I am so proud of her.  She is an example to me to do everything I can to make it to the Temple. 



Christmas was great this year!  We spent it in Bear Lake.  Labeau's wasn't open.. but we went sledding, ate food, opened presents, watched movies, played games, played mario cart and spent alot of time in the pool. 

I spent the last week of the year getting read for school, and spending more time with my family and friends.  I saw movies, got frostbite walking around Weber with Jeff, going out to eat, going snowshoing and ringing in the new year with my favorite people in the world! 

2010 was amazing.  I hope as I embark on new adventures this year.. that 2011 can be just as good (or better) that 2010 was.  HAPPY NEW YEARS!