Excited for things to come!

While I should be cleaning my room, or doing my astronomy homework or washing my clothes- I am blogging.

I've been pretty depressed lately, but like I said before I need to keep myself excited by the little things in life.  Lately I am getting really excited for everything that is coming my way.  I have some adventures coming and I can't wait experience them!

-Trip to Rexburg on Saturday to see Dani and Ariel
-Emily's wedding
-Spring!
-Afterschool Conference in Orlando Florida- all expenses paid trip to Florida!! 
-Ward campout down in Moab in May!
-Family trip to Bear Lake (hopefully)
-My summer down in Philmont working in New Mexico!
-hopefully a drive to Cor d'lane to see my cousin and her baby
-seeing friends get engaged and married and have babies
-making new friends

I have alot to be grateful for, I just need to remember!

Medication- and things about me I need to change

I haven't been thinking good lately and my mom wants me to go back on the 'happy pills'.  I'm thinking and saying really negative and harmful things.  I don't want to be a druggie but when I am taking them I just feel so much 'better'.  I ran out after camp and I was doing so well.  I had a friend, I had great classes with people I enjoyed, it was warm and I was excited about life.  Things change so quickly.  You suddenly find yourself losing so many of things that made you once happy and you just can't get back up.  I have sruggled my entire life with the idea of being happy.  I am good for a few months and then I sink.. take a while to float back up and then I sink again.  I also have good days and bad days.  Today is a Bad Day. 
I'm sick of being angry at people and holding onto grudges.
I'm sick of being jealous.
 I hate not being able to say goodbye to people.
 I hate feeling happy about being better than someone. 
I wish I didn't distance myself from people because I'm afraid of rejection. 
I wish I didn't use kids as a crutch to avoid adult relationships.
I wonder why one of the reasons I go to camp is to get away from the pain of the real world. 
I hate being depressed!! 

I have so much to be happy about- so much in my life that is good.  However, lonelyness is cripling.  Especially when everyone around me appears to be happy- key word- appears. 
So- how do I cope?

Make myself talk to people.  Talk to strangers- try to sit with new people.  Ask questions and learn from others.
Smile at everyone- even if they don't smile back.
Tell people how I feel instead of bottling it up and exploding like I am tonight. 
Set daily and weekly goals.
Plan activities and trips.  Look forward to things. 
Pretend to be happy when I'm not. 
Be interested in what other people have to say and be happy for them. 
Talk to people in my ward- epspecially guys.
Get people to set me up on dates. 
Try to stop thinking about the one guy that is always on my mind. 
Pray. 
Pray.
Pray.
Read my scriptures, go to church, Institute, FHE and R.S activities. 
Stay organized- do my homework on time and study hard. 
Don't assume that people don't want to me around me. 

These are things that I work on daily- I strive to do all of the time and why I haven't checked into a mental hospital or committed suicide.  Some I don't do and need to work on.  Even though I do everything in my power to get over myself it doesn't always work. 

Most people don't get depression- I can do anything to help myself but sometimes medication is needed.  So I don't feel like a druggie, because I like it!  I like the way it makes me feel, I like the way I don't worry so much and feel happier.   So I'm going back to the doctor next week- get back on an 'up' cycle.  And see how long it lasts.  :) :) :) :)